Letras de Vladimir Goes to Havana

Vladimir Andropyanosen, veteran
Of the Soviet Campaign for the
Liberation of the Peoples of Afghanistan
After a period of convalescence in the German Democratic Republic
Sat up in his hospital bed on a brisk February morning
Put down the newspaper he was reading
The uniformed nurse arrived
And supplied Vladimir with writing paper, a pen, and an envelope
Vladimir wrote

"To the advisory board for the development of cultural visits
To sympathetic states
Dear Sirs

I have just read in last September′s issue of Pravda
That Dr. Mikhail Bagorovsky
A colleague from the days of my lectureship at Moscow University
Has been appointed as scientific advisor
To the Soviet delegation in Cuba
For the promotion of soil mechanics
At the research institute there

Having survived the Campaign of Afghanistan
I am requesting that I continue my convalescence
Visiting Dr. Bagorovsky
Assisting him in his work in Havana
For a period of time which the board deems fit
Yours faithfully, comrade Andropyanosen"

Methodically, he folded the letter
Placed it in the envelope, sealed it, and addressed it

Six weeks later
Vladimir was standing on the deck of the SS Ivanish
A Black Sea tourist cruiser
Disguised as a missile-carrying cargo vessel to deceive the Americans
Waiting at the foot of the gangplank was Mikhail Bagorovsky

Immediately, they went to a bar
And drank several ice-cold Sliwovitzes to toast each other's health
Mikhail outlined his work in Havana
The research projects he had initiated there
And the success he had achieved
In fact, it had been rumored that he would receive a medal of honor
From the Kremlin itself
The more he heard, the more enthusiastic Vladimir became
And he slept soundly that night
Eagerly awaiting the start of his new appointment the next day

It was after the first week that Vladimir met Christos
One evening, he was strolling in the humid streets of Havana
When he stopped for a nightcap in one of several bars
That lined the streets
Christos sat there, proud, Latin, manly
Astonishingly good looking
But with a boyish look about him
And a vulnerability that appealed to Vladimir
Before even realizing it, Vladimir was in conversation with him
Using a crude mixture of sign language and broken English and Spanish

After about an hour
Vladimir realized there had been
Something missing from his stay in Havana

Fun, with a big "F"

It wasn′t that he didn't find Christos attractive
Everyone did
But Vladimir had been cured of that illness
Back home in the Soviet Union
"Many thanks to the party that cares for its people," he thought
However, there seemed to be a new kind of energy in this bar
People were talking nonstop
Their eyes seemed full of intensity

After several hours
Christos signaled for Vladimir to follow him into an adjacent room
Christos then took out a big plastic bag containing a white powder
He shoveled a spoonful up his nose while inhaling strongly
Then signaled for the perplexed Vladimir to do the same

Suddenly everything became clear!
Why, of course!
This was why there was so much sugar cane on the island!
This was why everyone in the bar looked alert and intense!
Because they were sniffing refined sugar, which gives you energy!

Christos winked, pointing to the bag of white powder
"This is the reason we must get to Miami"
Vladimir pretended to understand
"But in order to get there, we must be criminals
To benefit from a scheme set up by the American president
Which our president is going to take full advantage of, hahahaha
And so will we!
You could say it is a foreign AIDS program, hahahahahaha

Hahahahahaha
Woo-hahahahahaha
Hahahahahahaha

Woo-hahahahaha
Boom!"